Licensed to Kill
by 14karatgold
Summary: An excursion with Teal’c gives Vala an idea, but Daniel’s not quite sure it’s a good one. DanielVala. Post Season 10.
1. Chapter 1: Mind the Gap

**Licensed to Kill**

Summary: An excursion with Teal'c gives Vala an idea, but Daniel's not quite sure it's a good one. DanielVala. Post Season 10.

Disclaimer: All rights to MGM, Gekko Corp, and whatever other groups had a finger in creating Stargate.

Rated T because I felt like it.

Humor/Romance

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Chapter 1  
Mind the Gap

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"Oh, come on Muscles! Surely with Daniel off on some archaeological whatsit or other, Sam getting cozy with her new laptop, and Mitchell and Landry out bird-watching, surely there's _some_thing we could be doing?" an enjoyment-deprived Vala whined to her fellow alien friend.

"Indeed. But I have been given strict instructions from Daniel Jackson that you are not to be allowed anywhere in the vicinity of a shopping mall," replied Teal'c lightly. After a moment of thought, he added, "Or any commerce-based structure, for that matter. I believe he said that his credit card has long been lost in the 'place of no return.'"

Vala rolled her eyes at him. "And you actually listen to him?"

Teal'c's infamous eyebrow raised. "I have long accepted that I should not question Daniel Jackson when it comes to anything related to you. I too have not seen this card of his for some time."

She tossed her hair and rolled her eyes again before saying, "It's right here," and pulling the elusive card out of the traditional Women's Hiding Spot.

With a perfectly straight face, Teal'c responded, "I shall inform him that I have located his missing credit card, though it is a wonder to me how _you _managed to locate it." And he walked away, leaving a perplexed Vala in his wake, one who was unsure whether to take that as a compliment to her breast size or, more importantly, an insult to her breast size. She wondered briefly what man would insult such wonderful creations of whichever god, but in the end, she gave up and chased after him to pester him some more.

"But you can't just _leave _me here, now can you?"

"You may find that I am most capable of doing so."

"But I'll damage something! Blow something up! And it'll be all your fault that you weren't here to stop me!" she exclaimed, with wild gesticulations to match.

He paused just in front of the elevator and turned to look at her rather long face. "I am most assured that you will not allow such a misfortune to take place, but if you are unsure as to your capability to be destructive, pay a visit to Colonel Carter and I am sure that she will most pleased to assist you. Enjoy yourself, Vala Mal Doran. I shall return later this evening."

As the elevator doors opened, Vala came to the conclusion that Teal'c was not going to give in to her flawless puppy-dog eyes and that it was time for more drastic measures. Getting a running start, she launched herself into the air and settled on Teal'c's back just as he crossed the threshold into the disconcertingly small metal box.

"You listen to me, Muscles. If I stay on this base one more second, I am going to lose what's left of my sanity," she whispered into his ear, quite sincere.

"You will be in good company, then," he said, both figuratively and literally throwing her off.

"I beg your pardon?" she asked from the floor, quite undeterred by the fact that she had been unceremoniously dropped.

"O'Neill has revealed to me on more than one occasion that he is 'crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of one's faculties, three fries short of a Happy Meal,' and 'wacko.' In that order, no less. It would come to no surprise to me that if you two spent sometime together in a padded room, there would be much improvement from you both." Vala hardly listened to a word he had said, but was in marvel that his face had remained perfectly slack through the whole thing. He was equally as surprised of her, but dare not show it.

"To turn to the matter at hand," he said, very obviously changing the subject, "since I did not encourage you to accompany me on my quest, I have not defied Daniel Jackson in any way." Vala was still in the floor, head cocked to one side, and mouth gaping in puzzlement, while Teal'c stood, stoically facing the door with his hands clasped behind his back. The scene must've been very odd to take in.

Sergeant Walter Harriman walked out of the elevator at its next stop very much feeling that he had missed something.

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_Yay! First chapter. _

_This is my first DanielVala story, so please send your thoughts, opinions, revelations, whatever comes to mind. _

_Oh, the title will come to make sense in time. Be patient. _

_I hope this little sample was as enjoyable for you to read as it was for me to write._

_Thanks!_

_KT_


	2. Chapter 2: Fine Lines

Licensed to Kill

Chapter 2: Fine Lines

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"You know, I've been here for almost a whole Earth year, and there's still one thing I don't know," Vala said conversationally as Teal'c drove the car out from under Cheyenne Mountain.

"I believe there is more than one thing, Vala MalDuran," Teal'c said crisply, eyes firmly glued to the road.

She ignored this. "The road. I don't—and probably never will—understand the road. It's so organized with all these little rules and regulations! How do you keep track of it all?"

"With relative ease."

"Oh, Samantha would have your head for that one." He raised an eyebrow in response. "Well, maybe not your _head, _but certainly your sanity."

"I have been listening to her long, explicit explanations for some time now. I am of the firm belief that I am immune to such causes of 'insanity.'"

"Well, I still think that all these little rules are ridiculous," she said after a short pause. "Say, what would happen if we just _swung_" she gripped the wheel and turned it fiercely in the counter clockwise direction "over into the other lane?"

Teal'c quickly recovered and pulled it back over, all the while smacking her hand and grabbing for a hat. Several cars in the oncoming lane had their windows down, mouths contorted and horns blaring. A few had some obscene gestures, but Teal'c at least knew the outcome could have been worse.

"That's all?" Vala asked. "That's all that would happen? Good Lord. Let's try again!" But this time, Teal'c had one hand firmly holding the wheel in place, and the other one fending off Vala's.

They were still holding a 'Happy Slap' match when Teal'c slowed the car to a stop for a stoplight. A cliché officer just happened to be standing on the corner of that very intersection. Noticing the flailing arms, he immediately walked over and rapped his cliché knuckles on the window.

Teal'c used his now wheel-free left arm to press the button to the passenger side window, his right arm still in fierce combat with the brunette at his side. "Yes? Is there something you require?"

The poor officer seemed perplexed that the 'fight' was still going on while he was standing right there, and said, "Whut's goin' on here?" He, of course, being the narrow-minded, cliché officer that he was, assumed that Teal'c was Vala's abusive husband and that she was here under his orders. This seemed to fit the reason why she was still fighting.

"Nothing at all, officer. We are just trying to reach the shopping mall," Teal'c explained, hoping that this would satisfy him and they could be on their way. He was in a bit of a hurry…

"He—won't—let—me—turn—the—steering wheel!" Vala fumed between blows with her tiny, pale fists.

This forced the poor cliché officer to reassess, something he never liked doing. "Well, ma'am, your husband _is _drivin'. You shouldn't be distractin' 'im." This made Vala freeze in mid-swing and turn to face the officer for the first time, which made the officer—narrow-mindedly—think that he had gotten through to her.

"_What?!_" she screeched. "Tea—Murray is most definitely _not _my husband. Where in the furthest reaches of the galaxy did you get _that _ridiculous idea?"

"His bum, no doubt," Teal'c (Murray) said contemplatively, completely lost on the idea that this was an insult. Vala gave him the 'Ahhh, now there's an idea' look and finger combo.

"Whut did you jus' say?" said the officer, cliché hand resting over his cliché holster.

"We really should be on our way," Teal'c said politely. "Thank you for your concern, but we truly are fine."

"Have a nice day!" Vala shouted happily out the window as Teal'c sped off, careful to obey the speed limit. As soon as they were out of view of the officer, Vala reached up a sneaky hand, preparing to battle once again, when Teal'c said: "This will only delay us further, Vala MalDuran. If you wish to commune for the entire afternoon, then I suggest that you keep your experienced hands to yourself."

Vala huffed and slouched back into her seat, unaware of Teal'c's unintentional innuendo, when she pulled out Daniel's credit card and caressed it lovingly, cooing to it about all of the wonderful spending it was about to embark on. Teal'c ignored most of this, and once again turned his attention to the road. He watched the unbroken yellow lines to his left and wondered what indeed would happen if he just swung over into the other lane….

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Well? Should I keep going? I sure would like to!

For those of you that are wondering, this is just a beginning to the story. Daniel will come in later for everyone's enjoyment! Haha.

kt


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